Well, I am done with Harry Potter. For ever and ever, at least as far as we know. JK did make it perfectly clear, but I am not excluding blackmail. It was amazing. The curelest and the best of them yet. Brutal yet merciful.

Of Job

The job is amazing. The people, the content, the projects… Everything seems to be going well so far, and I am enjoying the days.

Of Commute

It SUCKS. Big time. Two hours plus/minus one more is never quite exciting, so I am taking suggestions for books on tape of entertaining kinds, and do hope to get some. I also think it's only a matter of time until I get a speeding ticket. So far I have been stealthy ;)

Of Hobbies

Mostly geocaching at the moment, sprinkled with SCA and soon, some Renn. Faires, mostly Ohio one.

I am also going to go into heavy sewing mode probably starting this coming week, with two bow cases, one dress, one corset, one male shirt, and whatever strikes my fancy after that.

Of HP5

Naturally, I saw it at midnight on Tuesday. It was beyond anything I could have expected. Some omissions were made, naturally, and some of them kind of irked me a little, such as the absence of Lily, and the fact that not the right person was blamed for the betrayal, and the fact that time was spent on things that never happened as opposed to on things that did…But overall, what can I say? It’s HP, thus, brilliant!

I am now officially an employee of AC Nielsen! Take that, MBAs, "no jobs in ohio"!

I got a job, I got a job, I got a job!!!

AC Nielsen, BASES, in Covington, KY, great salary and some gas money too! If nothing else works out within a few days, I am accepting it!!! YEEEHAHHHH!


www.bases.com

It has been about two weeks since I poster here last, and many things have changed. I did graduate and got my MBA as well as have moved to Ohio. It was not an easy trip, with the freak car accident which we escaped by a very little bit. But our apartment is very cozy and cute, and I had a lot of fun decorating it with all my pictures and posters. At the moment, the only thing that is still in disarray is my job but I have been having interviews and it's going quite well, but it would be good to have a certain answer. Apart from that, things are well.

The time of doom is upon us! In mere two hours I shall set forth to get my parents from the airport, commencing the four days of chaos, which will include meeting Martha, Alan, saying goodbye to my second family here in New York, friends for life, and many other things. It is sad, terrifying, and somehow seems like the end of an era. Two years are gone, MBA is complete, and my head is still spinning. More musings to come!

This is the first week of the last week of class ever, ever. Somehow this does not seem too real at the moment, especially considering that I have nowhere to go afterwards yet. At the moment, this fact is what occupies my head pretty much all the time, and keeps me constantly terrified. At the end, it is no one but myself who can change this, and at the moment I do not see a way how. The circumstances surrounding the search are restrictive for various reasons, and nothing going on otherwise is making it easier. This is the most stressful month of my entire life so far. The fact that it begins tomorrow does not make it much better. I have good friends to support me, and to help through the hard times, but when it comes to being an international student with sixty days after graduation to find a job or else, I am alone. That does not make me happy. I know I should be optimistic, and full of energy if I am to change my situation but at the moment, I feel truly helpless in the face of reality. Maintaining even a facade of doing well is becoming increasingly difficult. I do sincerely hope that couple years from now I will look back and laugh at my worries. At the moment, it seems my worries are laughing at me. How typical.

Having come back from my second one-day trip to Columbus, I felt a bit dicouraged but also happy about the sheer number of folks still without jobs out there. The previous weekend was nice and quiet, and this one promises to be just the same, the amount of homework is dying down, and there is not much to do but brood, have team meetings and search for the elusive employment. The weather is following my mood and is completely whack, I found half of the trunk of the pussy willow outside our house across the walkway this morning. Storm and wind, rain and snow, all mixed together is exactly how I feel and the weather obeys, mwahahaha. In other news, I am still battling the wills with Casey (no, not that Casey), my horse for horseback riding who is stubborn and extremely strong-willed (not unlike his namesake). I almost dislocated a finger joint yesterday trying to canter consistently. He kept trying to throw me off balance, and in general being a ^))*&*^^%^$&**(. But I prevailed. Of course, I was also covered in horse poo and slobber, and hay at the end. Such is life.

This is my new dish chair of despair. Perfect for slumping in on one's balcony, or sulking in the shadows, while in despair over the fruitless job search. On a slightly better note, I am going for yet another trip to Columbus next week for a job fair, and hopefully this trip goes better than the previous one in terms of me finding desirable employment. If I miraculously get a job by Monday night (unlikely), I will go anyway and spend the day with my dog instead. But as I said, unlikely. In other news, every single other person in my school seems to have a child of some sort. Weird. And all I want to do is go home and slump in my despair chair while watching agile and successful 007 agent on TV. It looks so easy when Bond does it...

Well, I did not get the Data Alliance job. A day worth of travel, a return airplane ticket and nothing. I guess I am back at square one. The break is going amazingly well otherwise, it's just I am sick to the core of my being of the endless job search. It has brought me to the brink of a breakdown so many times that it's not even remotely dramatic anymore...I cannot understand why is it that I can help everyone else get a job as a Peer Advisor but I cannot help myself...For now, I am going to take the rest of the break to unwind and to relax. On Monday, I am going to simply die. I do not know what else I can possibly do.

The 5 main stages of any project

• Enthusiasm
• Disillusionment
• Panic
• Hunt for the Guilty and Punishment of the innocent
• Praise and Honor for the non-participants

The Ballad of the West

 

The sun arose from smoky depths

Of winter’s frozen sky,

I felt the sunshine touch my cheek,

And heard a distant cry

 

Of bird or beast, unknown to me,

Imprisoned in the hold

Of icy fortress ‘neath the earth

Where dwell the shadows cold.

 

I urge my mount to take to sky,

And race against the time,

To save the beauty and the life,

To punish evil crime

 

Committed by the blackest hearts

Which know no hope

And toil in the deepest caves

Below the steepest slopes

 

Of Misty Mountains that cross

The Land from end to end

And mine is the ear to which

Their slaves the prayers send.

 

For I am Ranger of the West

And destined for this doom

To fight or perish in the East

Beneath the growing gloom

 

Of clouds sent by Shadow’s call

Which hide the Sun from view

But she survives to see the fight

Of evil against the few

 

Of us who still stand strong and hold

Our swords unsheathed and bright

Under the fading rays that shine

From Citadel’s great height.

 

The final battle will commence

This day we stand and fight,

Men of the North, the South and West,

Our battle cries take flight.

 

They echo all across the field

And bring our foes dismay

We rush ahead, not paying heed

To shadows that hold sway

 

Over the sky above our heads

They too, will fade and die

When friend saves friend in country cold

Where the shadows lie.

 

03/02/2007

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You could work yourself into a panic as you seek the elusive balance between your dreamy imagination and the factual details. If your job involves a creative aspect, it may be difficult to produce results on demand, yet you might not have the time to get lost in your fantasies. Bouncing your ideas around with a friend or associate can be just the right thing to make it all happen in time.

If only I could, my dreams would probably take the box office. And become cult movies for the generations to come. And that is not an underestimation either...For example, last night was a solid six hours of dreams. But I only remember two instances from all that time. One, is me at a skating rink, of all things, inside this club in Ithaca Commons...For some reason, it was easy to skate this time, unlike my usual experience, and I enjoyed the experience, and yet there was something else to it. But of course, I do not recall, all I remember is me insisting that I am a member of the club. Silly, I know. But wait for the second instance. This time, I am in a room with people, doing something that aparently deserved some gratitude. So, one of the guys in the room give me a strangely curved sword as a thank you. I recall the intricate design on the sheath, and the sword itself is long, but also very curved, almost a sickle and very comfortable to hold in my hand. I remember thinking that it would be very useful for something that I was supposed to do after leaving the room. In short, exciting life, huh...I just realized that two years is exactly the time needed to get used to a certain pattern of life. It just hit me that this is the last time I am ever going to be in class...A weird feeling.

So this week is officially a good week. After this week, hell breaks loose, I promptly realize I still have no job, and that I need to get working on those pesky term projects that will require a heck a lot of time and effort, and so on and so forth. This week, I am blissfully anticipating the best weekend ever in a long, long time, and doing my homework for zillion years ahead (which is why in class I feel like we're studying something I vaguely remember from three weeks ago)... But oh well, nothing particularly important to report on the weekend, except the fact that the Arkham Terror game freaking ROCKS and takes forever to play, which kinda reminded me of the Cthulhu roleplaying game, since the premise is essentially the same, but the game itself is the DM, eliminating any need for tedious preparation and character creation. We played at Scott's house, and there were a total of six players, meaning that there was lots of room for interaction, being lost in time and space, and taking on Yig, the punk child of the Cthulhu family which nevertheless succeeded in killing us all at the end. Oh, well, such is life. We spent the entire time eating crackers and drinking Coke Zero... I am rethinking wearing anything that has an identifiable waist...

For an ending to this post, I will post one of my early poems, just because :):

Glass Shards

Another farewell, another rose
Crumpled besides a broken vase,
Reflected in a pool of tears.
Whose face it is that gazes back at me?
Familiar eyes, albeit rimmed in scarlet,
Their vivid green highlighted even more.
Straight nose, right brow arched
Inquisitively high, lips trembling.

Well, the school has begun, not in such a bad manner as I expected it too, my main occupations as of now are classes, work, studying, job searching, chores, skiing, and hanging out with Casey and friends. Not a huge amount of variety, but a bit of routine does wonders for a worrisome mind such as mine. Nevertheless, excitement abounds, such as our yesterday skiing trip, during which I assisted Abbie with her first adventures in skiing, and Casey and Davian contemplated the slopes. A wonderful day finished with some lemon bars and chili (yum, yum). Today my Valentine's Day present from Casey is supposed to be delivered, YAY, and I am allowed to open it early (for the reason, see his Yahoo 360 page :)), so excitement is high, I am expecting it to be something really really cool.

In a couple weeks, Corey is coming to visit, and the weekend is very tightly packed with activity, starting with the Cruxshadows concert on Thursday (OMG, amazement second only to Nightwish!), and then skiing, Seven Deadly Sins, and geocaching. Which also means I will spend the days before doing a heck a lot of homework ahead.

The job search arena is still uncertain, I am persisting in trying to reach out to people, and companies, as well as my former bosses, and current friends, but any help from anyone is deeply appreciated. I am looking for an interesting marketing/advertising job in Columbus, OH, and will be eternally grateful for any help, contacts, or any other form of assistance or advice.

So far so good. I am also reading a lot of good literature lately, which is always nice.

P.S.

A week ago, I had purple hair, and was at the biggest SCA event I had attended todate. Now I have boring brown hair, another rejection from a job because I am from another country, suffering self-confidence due to major tumbling down the slope at Greek Peak, brand new classes, and shiny classmates with jobs. Excellent. One semester to go, fight to the death, lots of drama, and lots of snow, finally!

The last weekend of my break went well, I managed to see the Pan's Labyrinth finally, and it was as realistic as it was fantastic. Very brutal, very graphic, as good as it was sad, and the end could be taken either way. I was on the verge of tears but the rest of that day was amazing, so it took the sting somewhat out of the movie.


Well, here it goes. A whole lot of nothing.

After our memorable trip to Rochester for the purpose of my helmet, and some spectacular geocaches (one of which we did not get because the entrance to where it was turned into a waterfall because of the freezing rain), we are back in Cortland, and I only have a week and some three days of break. Grrrrrr.....But the return of school also hopefully means more job news etc.  This weekend, Alan is coming to visit us, and we're going to the Twelfth Night SCA event, which Alan is  extremely excited about.  This week I spent most of my time sewing clothes, and have recently been converted to a World of Warcraft addict, sigh, it's been nice knowing everybody. I do hope to emerge in time for school in a week or so. Send love and chocolate. ;)


And yes, my hair is very purple. Too bad I need to re-dye it before coming back to Sage-Land.

Again, it was a long time since I updated my journal, and a lot happened since. The New Year came, and I became an adult, which took a while, but now it is done. This year is going to see a lot. Graduating from Cornell, moving back to Ohio, etc. It is going to be a long haul, but also a very fun one.


And I have purple hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it has been a while since I posted in my journal. Things have somewhat occurred, I suppose. The week went by peacefully, I looked for jobs, and read a wonderful novel that reminded me once again of the "not quite there" feeling I often get, and caused me to cry for almost two days, feeling like something was opening right underneath to swallow me whole. Well, after getting over that vibe, Casey and I geocached on Saturday, to great success, six awesome caches, and a friendly dog. Sunday was full of my hastily sewing together a shirt (apparently, I am a wonder with a needle and a sewing machine), and then going to a post LARPing event which was filled with LOTR Trivia and some rule-learning, which was followed by listening to some gothic music, which was surprisingly punk for being goth. Hmm...Well, now we're off to Ohio tomorrow, for a fun-filled Christmas. Once we're back, the hunt is on! I am refusing to surrender to sadness. And everyone is welcome to help me there ;).

 Incidentally, my poetry can be found at this link

Just search for Natalie Messerle, and everything comes up.

The last week or so was rather hectic. I finally got done with my exams and am completely free from school until January 22nd, which makes me rather happy. This vacation promises to be very good, probably my last satisfying vacation in a long time, since after I get a job, days off are going to be rare. During the last week, I also faced the truth of having only one quarter of my MBA left to complete, which is slightly scary due to the visa/job/immgration issue at hand, but once all of that has been sorted out, and I finally get some sort of work visa, the biggest worry of my life will finally be over, and I will just have to keep working on until I can get a green card.

Now, I am also a bit concerned about my sleep problems, and how it would transfer over to whatever type of insurance I'd have at work, but I guess it'll be fine eventually, as well as the job search issue, which always rises a bit of panic in me, but I think I need to overcome it, and worry less, because all the worrying takes the joy out of life.

Speaking of joy, yesterday we went to the Yule Celebration that took place in the Angel's Keep, or Auburn. It was a fantastic day, started out a bit slow, but then I got to learn the basics of belly-dancing, and how to put together a cool belly-dancing outfit, as well as danced a lot of English country dances which are always a lot of fun...In conclusion, we had a nice feast, from which I managed to take home an entire roast chicken, which is always good. Once again, I was filled with melancholy, like I always do when attending SCA events and Renn. Faires, the feeling of it being my true place where I belong, especially considering all the things I do that belong in that age, like horseback riding, archery, throwing knives, and of course, sword fighting...I am truly a medieval tomboy, but I also enjoy the dancing of the age, and being able to dress in fine velvets as well as in leather and steel.

Finally, I am planning an SCA roadtrip in January, to Rochester, when I go helmet shopping, and we go to several highly dangerous caches (this time, for real!), and overall have a good time. I hope that this trip will include at least six people including myself, and shall be a ton of fun also. In the meantime, our departure for Columbus is approaching again. Hurrah for good food, and family, and also for presents ;).

Chance Lyrics

He was standing all alone
Trying to find the words to say
When every prayer he ever prayed was gone
And the dreams he's never owned
Are still safely tucked away
Until tomorrow he just carries on
Carries on
Carries on
Carries on

See the devil on the streets at night
See him running in the pouring rain
See him grinning 'neath a twisted light
I'll be back again
See the people standing in a row
See them nodding like a field of grain
No one sees the sickle though
Coming 'cross the plain

And this he knows, if nothing more
That waiting in the dark like destiny
Are those who kiss the dogs of war
And there is no tomorrow, no tomorrow
Take a chance
Take a, take a chance yeah

See the devil he is so intense
See the devil go and change his name
What's the going price of innocence
It can't be the same
Is it dark when the moon is down
Is it dark with a single flame
If there's glass falling all around
I am not to blame

And this he knows, if nothing more
That waiting in the dark like destiny
Are those who kiss the dogs of war
And there is no tomorrow, no tomorrow
Take a chance
Take a, take a chance yeah
Take a chance
Take a, take a chance oh yeah

Burn the night away
Burn the night away
Burn the night...

Pictures at an exhibition
Played as he stood
In his trance
Staring at his inhibitions
All the time believing
That it now came down to nothing but this chance
Chance
Chance
Chance

I fear you
Your silence
Your blindness
See what you want to see
In darkness
One kindness
One moment
Tell me what you believe

I believe in nothing
Never really had to
In regards to your life
Rumors that are not true
Who's defending evil
Surely never I
Who would be the witness
Should you chance to die

Father can you hear me
This is not how it was meant to be
I am safe and so are you
As for the other's destiny
(simultaneously - add a new stanza each time
throughand continue as a round)
Father can you hear me
This is not how it was meant to be
I am safe and so are you
As for the other's destiny

I believe that situations
All depend on circumstance

Look away
Look away

Pictures at an exhibition
Played as he stood
In his trace
Staring at his inhabitions
All the time believing
That it now came down to
Nothing but this chance

A HUGE thanks to medievaloracle for this one!!! Enjoy!

This is my first item officially on the wishlist! It's the Angel SmileTime Vampire Puppet!

The rest of wish list items can be found on Amazon, searching for my name (it's Natalie Messerle, in case you were wondering ;)). This is also officially the first time I am excited about Christmas ;).

P.S. Any Angel puppet will work, there are three kinds: Vampire Puppet, Battle-Scarred Puppet, and just plain Smile Time Puppet. No worries about other people getting them for me either. I'll keep them all :).

P.P.S. As an alternative to Amazon, anything from Pyramid Collection or Newport News will work too, as well as the Hot Topic. You all know me, people.

What he said!

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-XjAoixQ1frTC2fQYmtNx.uT9d0Hu?p=641

So, the Private Pirate Pool Party with Parrots Parading in Proper Paraphenalia while Playing Poker with Poor Professional Pianists.

If any one can add any more P words to that so it still makes sense, be my guest. Just copy the whole thing in the comment area and insert your word(s).

In the meantime, the Nutcracker was very cool, the theater was old and falling apart, but very nice nonetheless, and the Mice were cute and purple. I do like purple mice. I recognized a lot of melodies that I was always familiar with but never knew where they came from before.

This week we're going to (you guessed it!) Ohio for Thanksgiving, where I expect to gain at least 5 pounds in three days, because Casey's mom is a divine cook all year round but especially when it comes to Thanksgiving! The menu is all set, and YUM! After we've been living on random odds and ends for weeks, a proper hearty home-made meal will be very welcome. A proper hearty home-made three-day-long meal that is! I can't wait. Once we come back, I have one week of class, one week of papers and take-home finals, and I am done! Scary, only one semester left in the MBA world. Now if anyone knows of a job...I am open to suggestions.

Also, I am reading Robin McKinley, recommended by Macie...That girl knows what books to recommend, that's for sure. The Hero and the Crown is written 'with me in mind', according to her, and it's true! A bit weird, I admit, but the book's heroine resembles me to a great degree. If they ever make a movie, I am it!

This morning started out like any other weekday with me running around getting ready for school, and driving to Ithaca. But on my way, I passed by a field, not even sure where exactly it was, but there was a deer standing there, immersed in the fog up to his neck, sort of swimming in that white swirly substance. It was magical, I saw it for a second, but the impression stayed with me all throughout the day. Things like that give me wider perspective on life and make me feel like truly a part of the universe, where the nature goes on living long after each of us rushes through life full of concerns and goals that need to be accomplished just so we can start on another one. Often I wonder about the time when life tended to be slower, mostly due to lack of infrastructure and communication mediums, but there was a certain degree of peace, and tranquility that is certainly missing from the world today. To be able to relax knowing that there was no e-mail to read, no phone calls to make, no urgent matters to take care of, and traveling to some place was a journey in itself, an adventure sometimes better than whatever waited at the end...In an effort to seek some refuge, Casey and I are going to see Russian Ballet this sunday at the Ithaca State Theater, which should be quite an event. I am very excited, since I've only been to the ballet once or twice in my life.

P.S. I got an A+ on my AMD vs. Intel team paper! And an A+ in my Leading Teams and Organizations class! Hurrah!

Aparently, my problems can easily be solved by a purchase of a CD with self-hypnosis technique on it that will make my night terrors go away. I kid you not, this is a popular business! And here I was thinking it's unique and deeply emotional problem, that should be addressed by a professional. In person. Hmmm... Here are some titbits about night terrors and hypnosis:

Although night terrors can occur anytime in a persons life span, the most common is reported in children between the ages of three and five. (However more recent studies have turned up showing that many adults as well as children as young as six months experience night terrors on a weekly basis.) Night terrors usually occur fifteen minutes to one hour after going to sleep. I personally experience mine at just about the 45 minute mark. The longer the person is in NREM (the stages before REM) before the night terror strikes, the more petrified they will be when it occurs. Keep in mind though not everyone falls to sleep in the same amount of time as others. This makes a sleep study about the only way of determining what stage of sleep you are in when these events occur.

Night terrors have been shown to appear in stage 4 of sleep. This is just one thing that separates them from nightmares which can occur anytime in sleep. It is possible to make a night terror occur in some people, simply by touching or awakening them during stage 4 of sleep. Why night terrors occur is still a mystery. The mind is supposed to be practically void during the deeper stages of sleep. Most sufferers will awake gasping, moaning, crying but more often screaming. Breathing rapidly they will sit up in bed with a wide eyed terror filled stare. This panic will often last anywhere from five to twenty minutes. I find the most amazing aspect of night terrors is that it generates a heart rate of 160 to 170 beats per minute. This is much faster than the normal heart rate that can be attained under most stressful circumstances.

Some things that can help bring out a night terror are stress, medications that affect the brain, (It is hard to list exactly which ones) being over-tired or eating a heavy meal before going to bed. Combining all of the above I can usually guarantee an occurrence for myself. Many different medical ailments contribute to the frequency of Night Terrors. (Once again to many and to hard to list, Please do not e-mail me to have one added.) The listed items DO NOT cause night terrors, they just seem to put your body into the state where a night terror can manifest itself. People without night terrors will not have a night terror just by trying the above.

There seems to be a common thread in how night terrors manifest themselves. Many people who remember the night terror have talked about seeing animals or people. Most people describe the person that they see as dark and shadowy and feel that the person is going to hurt them. Quite a few people see snakes and spiders. At first I thought people were seeing only things they are afraid of during waking hours. After more research I found that only a small percentage of people were afraid of what they see (in night terrors) during waking hours.

Some people remember the Night Terror. Some don't. There is no explanation to why some have no recall of the events during a Night Terror. If you are told by a doctor that the fact you remember your night terror it must not be a night terror, find another doctor.

Many people have written me to disagree, but I have found the best method of controlling someone during a night terror is to hug and reassure them and tell them that everything is all right. Agree with what they are saying and doing. Sometimes it is not possible to hug them. Don't try to force physical contact. DO NOT yell at them or tell them they are only dreaming as this seems to only upset them even more. Move objects that can injure the person out of the way. This method seems to work better in children rather than in adults. (Adults are a little more physical) The most important thing to remember is that someone having a night terror does not know what they are doing. Make sure that there is not anything nearby that they can hurt themselves or others with. It is perfectly safe to wake someone who is having a Night Terror. Please be gentle!

It is also interesting to note that two other disorders, sleepwalking and bed wetting, are experienced during stage 4 of sleep. (Don't e-mail me and ask me about those disorders though.) Even more interesting is the fact that all three of these sleep disorders often run in families. My father only realized he had night terrors after I started researching the subject. Some families will dismiss night terrors as nightmares and grow more and more upset blaming the problem on television or other before bed stimulus. Episodic night terrors DO NOT signify psychological problems. Don't ever tell the subject that nothing has happened. It is OK to tell that person, the next morning, they had a night terror. It is however not advisable to notify children the next morning if they do not remember.
http://www.nightterrors.org/mot.htm

It seems that hypnosis can help me figure out what's going on, but somehow I am afraid that no answer shall be found, or something truly terrible will be uncovered that I have been trying to forget. Not sure what to do, exactly.

Love Like Winter

Warn your warmth to turn away
Here it’s December, everyday
Press your lips to the sculptures
And surely you’ll stay (love like winter)
For of sugar and ice.. I am made, I am made

It’s in the blood, it’s in the blood
I met my love before I was born
He wanted love. I taste of blood
He bit my lip, and drank my war
From years before, from years before

She exhales vanilla lace,
I barely dreamt her yesterday (yesterday…)
Read the lines in the mirror through the lipstick trace:
"Por Siempre."
She said, “It seems you’re somewhere, far away"
To his face.

It’s in the blood, it’s in the blood
I met my love, before I was born
She wanted love, I taste of blood
She bit my lip, and drank my war
From years before, from years before

Love like winter… Oh… Oh…
Love like winter… winter… 3…4…

It’s in the blood, it’s in the blood
I met my love, before I was born
He wanted love, I taste of blood
He bit my lip, and drank my war
From years before, from years before


For some reason, today seemed to just fall out of the sky. Laughter, carefree moments, yummy food, a quiet day in the SCA cheered Casey and I. We are covered with green leather dye (fatal if swallowed, I have it all over my fingers, I think I am done for), and happy. For the time.

Yesterday night I woke up screaming again, but this time I remembered enough to recall that I saw snakes under the covers. It was so terrifying, aparently, that I have stood up on the bed and somehow managed to balance on my toes at the very head of the bed, something I was sure would make me tip over, specially being sound asleep. I guess I should try sleepwalking next, who knows, I could be able to balance on the balcony ledge or something.

Yep, it sucked. Not to mention the fact that it kept being sold out time after time again. It seemed that every college student in the country was there watching it. And watch it we did. brrr..a first disclaimer - nothing, absolutely nothing in the movie was Kazakh, except the flag. Everyone looked Georgian instead. And the language as well as the map signs etc was pure jibberish. All of it. All in all, I was horrified at how ignorant some of the people interviewed were. All in all, gross movie. And it has a naked fight in it. Not the good kind.

I got 226/270 from 25 yards in my archery class yesterday, the highest score I ever achieved, from the furthest distance ever. Our substitute teacher asked me if I did archery before, and when I told him i learned to shoot in the class, his jaw dropped. He said I had a good stance and shot well. Which makes me happy, and really full of myself. So move over, Robin Hood, new girl is in town, with my very own bow, which I am going to call...something, donno yet. Something from Eragon probably.

Oh, which reminds me, they are making His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass movie!!! Hurrah, one more for the pot ;)

In other news, Borat movie is tonight. I expect a lot of teeth grinding, and popcorn throwing. People coming with me better bring something to cower under as I storm and rage. Review shall be coming later tonight.

Finally, Fable 2! You can be a girl, have a kid, and raise the kid good or evil, as well as give him/her unconditional love, and see what happens. Cannot wait! Finally, a girl Hero!

It's Halloween! Not doing much, but going to carve pumpkins while dressed as a gothic fairy! Yay!

It was a marvelous Friday, with an experiment in the morning for my Consumer Behavior class, and then followed by a movie with Abbie, some Angel watching and finally, dinner and a movie with Abbie, Casey and Davian at their house. We saw What Dreams May Come, a very strange movie, but it had its share of charm and confusion.

Today is going a bit slow right now, as I am making myself think and do homework, waiting for the evening when we get to dress up as Pirates and go watch a LARP, and then participate in a Halloween party :). Should be amazing, seeing how I haven't gone to a party probably since my college days with laura. Yeah, MBA might be challenging, and people still party, but it's not my kind of crowd. Tonight's crowd, however, is.

As the time passes by, I find myself looking forward to things, enjoying them while they last, and looking back at the experiences with warm glow, but a side effect of that is that I am strangely regretting the time passing by so quickly. Some moments I urge to rush by, others I beg to linger, but overall, the graduation and imminent move to what used to be my home is scary at the moment. I loved Columbus because this was where I belonged, at that time. While still filled with people I care about, family and pets, the friends I cherished will no longer be there when I return, and I am afraid I will miss their absence even more knowing how it used to be when they were there. I am torn apart by all the different places that contain people I love, and even though my other half travels with me, for him is it clear. The home is where the heart is. His heart is back at home, even if divided, partially here, with me. Mine..The part of it is here, keeping me alive, yet small fragments are scattered, causing aches once in a while, never leaving me quite whole.

The more friends you have, the more love you get, the more love you give, the more fragments there are, the smaller is the piece left inside.

I am a loner, making close friendships with few people, but the bonds are strong. This is the way I prefer it. But it also carries a price. And when your happiness depends on others in some degree, it is blissful when everything is good, but hurts when things go wrong. I would not trade it for the world, because I know I am never alone in the world, but sometimes, I wish I could regain the ability to be happy just with myself. I no longer seem to have that luxury as my road in life crosses and intertwines with so many others. Their hurts are mine, and mine are theirs, but not actually having them by my side is exausting sometimes.

It must be the dreary weather. Or lack of full-time employment prospect. But then again, maybe it's just me.

Today I actually broke one of my scores for 10 yards (203) by shooting 212 from 20 yards. I am certain that I am the best girl archer in our class, and better than some of the guys. Somehow that is very satisfying, knowing that I could bring some damage if attacked with a bow in my hand.

As I was walking to class today, I realized something. I am always fretting how I am weird and such, how I wish that sometimes my difference from others was somehow to my advantage, and then it hit me. I am not that different from them, but what makes me feel so is the fact that I, like onions and ogres, have layers. And so does everyone else. But since my layers are more aparent to me, I feel different. For example, I am comfortable in a suit, but also in a full gothy outfit like the one I wore last friday. Granted, I prefer the latter to the former, but I do enjoy at least some of my classes, and have some idea about what's going on. In short, I enjoy the richness of my chameleon personality, and ability to at least pretend I enjoy the suit atmosphere.

In other news, I am looking forward to tonight, a date with Casey somewhere out for dinner, and conversation; as well as Friday, when I get to hang out with Abbie and go out to a movie, followed by a dinner and a movie at their house with the whole gang. And this morning it SNOWED! Which means those days on the slopes are not that far away!!! Hurrah!

Finally, P.S. Happy early Birthday, Alan!!!

They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy

Think I'm just too white (check) n' nerdy (check)
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Really really white n' thirty

First in my class here at M.I.T.
Jock skills I'm a champion of D&D (check)
MC Escher that's my favorite MC (check)
Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary (sigh, check)
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Stephen Hawking's in my library (check, Casey's library)
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I know Pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces (in the past, check)
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days (in college, check)
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number one
I do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I got a soldering gun (check, Casey's again, but i got it!)
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong ((check))
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on (heck, yeah, except sports!)
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon

They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?

I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket I must protect 'em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized the Holy Grail
Really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML do for them all
Even make a homepage for my dog!
Yo I got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me get freaky!

I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?
I spend every weekend at the Renaissance Faire (SO check)
Got my name on my underwear! (not unless I was named Victoria ;))

They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!

Once again it is that time of the year when Casey and I leave the gorgeous colors of upstate NY and head home, to the planes of Ohio. This time, we have a very full agenda, including visiting the headhunters in an attempt to find ourselves some employment, and also get to visit the Ohio Rennaisance Faire, the last one of the year for me. Ah, the Minstrels of Mayhem again, I cannot wait to see them and everyone else at the Faire. Too bad Em and I are going to miss each other by one day, but oh well.

My mood is changing with the wind. I am still tired, but adapting to live with neverending exaustion. My archery score reached an all time high today, 207 (the perfect score is 270, and I always got about 150 or so), which means I am doing something right. I also managed a shoulder stand today in yoga, in spite of my aching legs and sore muscles.

I also never stopped feeling restless, as it always happens to me in the fall, when I want to escape wherever it is I am and just keep going on and on somewhere far. Except where I truly want to go cannot be reached by any means available to human race. And so, I escape inwards. A rich world awaits me on the boundaries of awareness, just below the emotion level that shows. Only one can follow me that far, but even then, at some point, it is myself alone, exploring the realm beyond anything this world can offer. In truth, I often see it in this world as well. The leaves, the horses, the breeze, the kind eyes of close ones reflecting my own thoughts back at me. The truth is, I am a child of the dark who views light as the playground to venture upon and explore, only to return to where it is pitch-black and curl up to dream...of the abyss...

Edit: My International marketing professor brought Russian chocolate to class in honor of my project and because I picked such a cool product! I rule!

I've been looking forward to this weekend for a long, long time. it turned out to be great, with a relaxing evening on Friday, surprising journey on Saturday (I got a recurved bow!!!), and a perfect day on Sunday (nothing better than cantering in the fields, nothing). So why am I utterly exausted? So tired from morning till night that I am continuously willing myself to stand up, to walk, to think, to do homework or anything else that needs to be done. Even the fun parts, like walking through the mall etc... Everything seems to rush by, all the fun evaporating so quickly but the week days last forever, class, work, class, work, work, class, driving, home, bed, driving, class...Of course, that is to be expected of the second year. But somehow the drive is gone. The will remains but it is slowly flowing out of me. I know I must do this during this year. I must accomplish things that need to be accomplished, and yet all I ever want to do is crawl into bed and fill my mind with someone else's excitement through books and TV. Riding on horseback today was amazing, I felt like Stargate (which is the horse I rode) and I could just go on forever, through the woods and the fields, without care or destination in mind, just going on and on...But the time was done, and we came back, and I walked away once again, this time not knowing if I'd ever be back there. Very dramatic, and perhaps overly so, but hey, something in life has to be. Sometimes. For me, life was never boring. I often wished it would be, so I'd have nothing to worry about, nothing to solve, just everyday flow of pleasant things and stuff to do, taking joy in small things. I still do take joy in small things, but it's the big ones that always seem to be in motion... Finding a job, moving away again, this time it's not crystal clear, we all have reservations, and this is the worst time to be debating about the life's purpose. This is a time for action, and I am paralized, unable to take any. And so I continue, doing everyday things but not moving forward, grasping at what was, simple happiness that seems to have eluded me once again. Such is life.

I turned 23 yesterday. It seemed unreal yet it happened. Had an excellent day and am looking forward to a magnificent weekend. One drawback though. Not going to California anymore. Bastards!

Take the quiz:
Which Magical Dark Creature Are You?

WereWolf
So you're a wolfie eh? We'll you're not only very stubborn and blunt - but youre damn hairy my friend. But hey, it works on you. You like arguing and you like being on top. Yes - that way too :-p. Teams always appeal to you when you know you can excell with them. Try to relax a little more. At the same time. You are damn sexy. Hells yes.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Today here are the things I like:




My personality - the more I think about it, the more I am certain that I would not change anything about myself, my inner core, my values or my beliefs. As far as change is concerned, I only need to continue learning from others and growing through my experiences in life, but no major overhaul is required.

My friends and loved ones - they are a weird bunch to be sure, each hand-picked and unique in their own special ways, which also means a lot of my friendships and relationships are one on one, only few of these people know each other or form any sort of group. I love them all, and will remain fiercely loyal to each and every one of them to the end of my days.

My pets - although Estel was recently lost to old age, Kira and Gabriel are the two pets I consider mine, even though I share each of them with other people who love them also. They bring joy to my heart, and I miss Kira very much, since she does not actually live with me anymore.

My interests and hobbies - again, a strange combination for many reasons, but these things do what they are meant to do, they bring me inner peace, relaxation and invigorate me for the things to come. My main interests in terms of activities are reading, skiing, sword fighting, going to SCA events and Renn. Faires, doing yoga and archery, as well as career coaching students, which also happens to be my side job but I wouldn't do it if I did not enjoy it. Most of my life philosophy and views come from things I learned from books, movies, and observing people as I interact with them, and some of those views are being challenged occasionally by what I experience. However, I became more courageous in expressing my own views and disclosing information about myself which brought some satisfaction to me as well as surprised others.

The past - I mean my personal past, the story of my life so far. provided, it had its rough turns and unexpected corners, but overall it was a smooth sailing, I did not know much hardship as I was growing up, something that I am very thankful for towards my parents, although they will be addressed later. I did some stupid things, as have we all, but I also found some good things along the way, some of which you just read about. I had a lonely childhood, except for my crowded imagination, but I found some friends as the time progressed, always remaining very much of a loner though, friendly and open towards others, but deeper in friendship and developing individual relationships rather than being part of a group of friends. Something like that, the stuff we see on 'friends' is something I've been missing my whole life, but it seems unlikely that will ever change unless my friends become friends with each other and we all live in a big castle somewhere. That'd be nice, to be sure. But overall, I lived, I loved (several times and fiercely), I toyed with others' feelings and played many games, I cried a lot and roamed the campus with my best friend (who is 23 today!!!) and embraced college which was the place where my social and romantic life truly began. It has been an exciting ride, and even looking back at my LJ from the time it started, and over my written journals before then, I realize that I would not take any of it back, the good and the bad, pain and suffering, and dillemmas, and even the nights of much caffeine, and specially not the nights of M.A.S.H. and hot chocolate.




Things I do not like:




My career path - although this is a work in progress, right now I am not happy with how my projected career path is laid out, because of much uncertainty that veils the direction of the path. I wish I did not have the restrictions of U.S. immigration laws weighting upon me, but even if they vanished, the matter of choice would still remain. No clear alternative is obvious and this is a situation I had never faced before, being always almost forced into the path I took. Also, the amount of work, job search and all, exausts me. I am so weary of trying to constantly determine what would be the best thing for me, and for others around me, that I remain motionless. Perhaps Laissez-Faire is the best choice at the moment, and perhaps it is not. Whichever way the situation turns, I know I was not the one to make it so. For a change.

My family - my parents are on the verge of divorce where they will remain forever, I fear as neither of them has courage or strength to leave another. Without any interests outside of two main things that guide their lives - work for my mother, leisure mountain climbing for my father - they have nothing to sustain them. Although my mother is quite wealthy, money brings neither of them much happiness. They look to me for fulfillment of their dreams, but their definition of what that would look like is very different from mine. I will never become what they hope I have become, even though on the surface it might seem so. Many people wonder how it is possible that parents like mine raised a daughter like me, and the answer is, they didn't. Beyond some simple core values like being hardworking, persistent and honest, the whole personality aspect of myself I shaped on my own, with the help of books and certain anime series, which might seem silly, but is actually true. If you think I have a riduculous personality that borders on childish, I'd rather you tell me so, but you would probably not be reading this if that were the case. I have to be fair though, my grandparents and the rest of my family are great and have always supported me in whatever I did as well as provided much needed shelter when I hid from my parents' or wanted some good food. They will always be the best!





Things I am not so sure about:





The future - well, that's why it's the future. I have no idea what's coming, and although I agonizingly try to make predictions and to prepare myself (such as career-wise), the truth is, it is the future. And that's that.

So, due to Jenny's genius, we are once again a team and off to California in November for four days of sun and digital media! We get to attend a cool conference where I am going to listen to Neil Young of Electronic Arts (!) and hopefully manage to get a dream job! Even if not, lots of fun :)



http://www.playconference.org/casecompetition.html

So today is the upside of the downside that has been downsiding for a while. For some unexplicable reasons, my mood has improved and is now in the state of balanced calm of having lots to do but also managing to do it better than some people I know. I also found out that sometimes, non-traditional ways of doing things might be easier than traditional ones, which is why our trip to ohio should be very exciting, not to mention the Faire, and seeing the Minstrels of Mayhem again, which right now is one of the highlights of the fall. And Skiing... Mmm.. Cannot wait!

Overall, I am in an amused mood, playing with the fantazy league in my head and anticipating cool birthday presents (which everyone should be getting now, btw unless you want to face my wrath *o* )

And this week my twin is turning 23!!!!!!!!! Next week at the same time, I am to follow!

Happy Birthday Punz!!!!